Why God is a Vegetarian...

They say cleanliness is next to godliness. As I finish my juice cleanse, I can't help but wonder if juice cleanliness is also next to godliness. I think He must be a vegetarian. Why? Well...

Adam and Eve lived in the "Garden of Eden," not the "Cattle Ranch of Eden."

Satan roasts infidels while God serves figs and honey to angels in Heaven.

The sacrament is a cracker, not a piece of beef jerky.

The commandment is “Thou shalt not kill,” not “thou shalt not kill humans”

Whole Foods sounds a lot like Holy Foods.

Who Needs Flowers?

Last night I went to see Pineapple Express, which was very funny. One bonus was that the title made me want to eat something I can actually have! Hopefully a movie called Frozen Yogurt Express doesn’t premier during my juice feast. Fresh pineapple juice is the best; you actually don’t notice the rum is missing. When my date picked me up, he told me he brought me gifts: Bentonite clay and Psyllium powder. How sweet! Who needs flowers when you can have the ingredients for a tonic that will act like a magnet to all the toxins in your body, facilitating the speedy exit of all those toxins? That is true romance.

It would be kind of cool if the toxin-infused clay came out in the shape of turtle-elephant. I lost the one I made in high school.

Survived the First Week

I am at the end of Day 8 of the juice feast. After a weekend camping where Zander and I stuffed ourselves silly, drank like college freshmen, and partook of an essential green not allowed on the juice feast, I dove into the green pool of juice feasting head first. If I had a dime for all the times I craved coffee or frozen yogurt in the first week, I could afford to shop at Whole Foods.

My favorite juice: 1 small head of celery, 1 cucumber, ¼ of a pineapple, 1 apple, 1 small head of romaine lettuce (adolescence optional), 3oz spinach, 1 T coconut oil

I was very tired on Day 2, but not very hungry. On Days 3 and 4 I was hungrier and much more fatigued. My classroom is on the third floor, and by the time I finished climbing the stairs I felt like Weight Watchers drop-out after they scaled the Eiffel tower. On Days 5 and 6 I was also very fatigued, mildly nauseous, and stuffed. It felt like I had two Inn ‘n Out burgers in my stomach, without the pleasure of having tasted them. Day 7, when I had my colonic, was much better. It is amazing what a little tube’ll do ya, but I still don’t think the salon will adopt that as their slogan.

Today I felt energized and healthy until after I finished working on my latest script in the afternoon. Writing about crazy people (other than myself) really zaps my energy. There ought to be a juice or supplement for that.

High End for Your Rear End

When calling around to different places to get an appointment for colon hydrotherapy, I had a conversation with a woman about her salon and the pricing for services. When she told me that it was $129 for a treatment, she added “We are high end.” My response was “So, high end for your rear end?” She didn’t laugh. I guess colon hydrotherapists are pretty serious. It makes sense. Think of all the shit they have to deal with. This led me to think of…

Rejected slogans for a colon hydrotherapy salon:

High end for your rear end
Just doo doo it
Think outside the colon
Shit happens…more after you visit us
A Little Tube’ll Do Ya
A Colonic is Forever
Celebrate the Colonics of Your Life
Betcha can’t have just one
You’ll keep going and going and going…
Once you poop, you can’t stop
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Oh, sorry. Scratch that last one. That was me fantasizing about forbidden pleasures.

Adolescent Romaine

We have all heard of baby carrots and baby spinach. The appeal is understandable; babies are cute. When we think of babies we think of life, of purity, of their cute little soft butts. Subconsciously, we must think that by consuming baby vegetables we are tapping into this purity and tenderness. Baby veggies cost more, are more tender, and are just downright adorable!

Whole Foods is a place I seldom frequented before the juice feast, being a teacher. Okay, and a cheapskate. Everyone has heard the nicknames “Whole Wallet” or “Whole Paycheck” to convey the fact that a trip to Whole Foods can be expensive. When it comes to juice feasting, however, I feel like another nickname could be “Whole Shebang.” The produce department has an extensive selection of organic fruits and veggies, among them: adolescent romaine.

How many of us remember our adolescence with complete fondness? Adolescence is associated with oily skin and pimples, raging hormones and social awkwardness, and (speaking of nicknames) being called the topless walrus. Are you telling me that I am supposed to pay $4.99 to buy into those ideas? My new nickname for Whole Foods: Wholly Ridiculous.