Why God is a Vegetarian...

They say cleanliness is next to godliness. As I finish my juice cleanse, I can't help but wonder if juice cleanliness is also next to godliness. I think He must be a vegetarian. Why? Well...

Adam and Eve lived in the "Garden of Eden," not the "Cattle Ranch of Eden."

Satan roasts infidels while God serves figs and honey to angels in Heaven.

The sacrament is a cracker, not a piece of beef jerky.

The commandment is “Thou shalt not kill,” not “thou shalt not kill humans”

Whole Foods sounds a lot like Holy Foods.

Who Needs Flowers?

Last night I went to see Pineapple Express, which was very funny. One bonus was that the title made me want to eat something I can actually have! Hopefully a movie called Frozen Yogurt Express doesn’t premier during my juice feast. Fresh pineapple juice is the best; you actually don’t notice the rum is missing. When my date picked me up, he told me he brought me gifts: Bentonite clay and Psyllium powder. How sweet! Who needs flowers when you can have the ingredients for a tonic that will act like a magnet to all the toxins in your body, facilitating the speedy exit of all those toxins? That is true romance.

It would be kind of cool if the toxin-infused clay came out in the shape of turtle-elephant. I lost the one I made in high school.

Survived the First Week

I am at the end of Day 8 of the juice feast. After a weekend camping where Zander and I stuffed ourselves silly, drank like college freshmen, and partook of an essential green not allowed on the juice feast, I dove into the green pool of juice feasting head first. If I had a dime for all the times I craved coffee or frozen yogurt in the first week, I could afford to shop at Whole Foods.

My favorite juice: 1 small head of celery, 1 cucumber, ¼ of a pineapple, 1 apple, 1 small head of romaine lettuce (adolescence optional), 3oz spinach, 1 T coconut oil

I was very tired on Day 2, but not very hungry. On Days 3 and 4 I was hungrier and much more fatigued. My classroom is on the third floor, and by the time I finished climbing the stairs I felt like Weight Watchers drop-out after they scaled the Eiffel tower. On Days 5 and 6 I was also very fatigued, mildly nauseous, and stuffed. It felt like I had two Inn ‘n Out burgers in my stomach, without the pleasure of having tasted them. Day 7, when I had my colonic, was much better. It is amazing what a little tube’ll do ya, but I still don’t think the salon will adopt that as their slogan.

Today I felt energized and healthy until after I finished working on my latest script in the afternoon. Writing about crazy people (other than myself) really zaps my energy. There ought to be a juice or supplement for that.

High End for Your Rear End

When calling around to different places to get an appointment for colon hydrotherapy, I had a conversation with a woman about her salon and the pricing for services. When she told me that it was $129 for a treatment, she added “We are high end.” My response was “So, high end for your rear end?” She didn’t laugh. I guess colon hydrotherapists are pretty serious. It makes sense. Think of all the shit they have to deal with. This led me to think of…

Rejected slogans for a colon hydrotherapy salon:

High end for your rear end
Just doo doo it
Think outside the colon
Shit happens…more after you visit us
A Little Tube’ll Do Ya
A Colonic is Forever
Celebrate the Colonics of Your Life
Betcha can’t have just one
You’ll keep going and going and going…
Once you poop, you can’t stop
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Oh, sorry. Scratch that last one. That was me fantasizing about forbidden pleasures.

Adolescent Romaine

We have all heard of baby carrots and baby spinach. The appeal is understandable; babies are cute. When we think of babies we think of life, of purity, of their cute little soft butts. Subconsciously, we must think that by consuming baby vegetables we are tapping into this purity and tenderness. Baby veggies cost more, are more tender, and are just downright adorable!

Whole Foods is a place I seldom frequented before the juice feast, being a teacher. Okay, and a cheapskate. Everyone has heard the nicknames “Whole Wallet” or “Whole Paycheck” to convey the fact that a trip to Whole Foods can be expensive. When it comes to juice feasting, however, I feel like another nickname could be “Whole Shebang.” The produce department has an extensive selection of organic fruits and veggies, among them: adolescent romaine.

How many of us remember our adolescence with complete fondness? Adolescence is associated with oily skin and pimples, raging hormones and social awkwardness, and (speaking of nicknames) being called the topless walrus. Are you telling me that I am supposed to pay $4.99 to buy into those ideas? My new nickname for Whole Foods: Wholly Ridiculous.

Bought My Juicer!

I have decided to start the juice feast on Monday, August 4th.

On the advice of my uncle, I decided to invest in the Breville Juice Fountain. It is amazing. Easy to use, pretty quiet, multiple juicing settings, juices an apple in about 5 seconds flat. The only drawback is the basket is a little hard to clean. Ooh, I almost forgot the best part: it looks damn sexy. This is important because I get the feeling I won’t be going on any second dates for a while. Unless I can think of a reason that I can neither eat nor drink alcohol on the date that doesn’t make me seem like a lunatic.

Why Chocolate is a Vegetable...

Cocoa beans and sugar are the ingredients in chocolate. Since beans are considered a vegetable, cocoa beans are a vegetable. Sugar comes from sugar beets or sugar cane. Both beets and cane are plants, and are therefore vegetables as well. It is only logical to assert that chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate juice anyone?!

Shopping!

I was at a baby shower last weekend. The mother-to-be sat in front of a pile of presents wrapped in varying designs of pale blue wrapping paper while the rest of the women sat around watching, eating cake. As each present’s contents were revealed, the women oohed and aahed about the cuteness of the outfit, or the usefulness of a certain diaper genie. I sat in the back, chugging Diet Pepsi like it was free Moet champagne, wondering what the hell all the baby crap was for. Intimidated, I decided that babies need way too much paraphernalia.

So what does this have to do with my juice feast? Shopping.

The juice feasting website lists all the supplies you need for the juice feast. And I thought all I would need was fruits, veggies, and a cheap juicer from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Wrong! Upon scrolling down the list, with the corresponding picture and description of each item, I started to feel that anxiety again. Too much crap to buy. I wonder if I could have a juice feasting shower?

Blender: For the price of a small car, you can have the best blender on the market. You are supposed to consider it an investment. I have been meaning to start an investment portfolio, so I guess the first item on my ledger can be VitaMix 8000.

Nut mylk bag: This is for straining the juice you make in your expensive blender. For $450, shouldn’t the blender strain itself?

Tongue scraper: It looks like some medieval torturing tool (see pictures to the right: guess which is the tongue scraper and which is the breast ripper). Even the name sounds painful. I guess that tongue scraper is a tad more succinct than tongue bowel toxicity white film remover. The film that forms on your tongue during the juice feast is a reflection of your “bowel toxicity,” and decreases as you become cleansed. Your breath is supposed to get more and more “foul” as you cleanse, before it improves, which is one more reason my dating life is going downhill faster than you can say wheat grass. The website recommends taking the tongue scraper with you to work because the coating can appear during the day. Another reason to take it to work: for threatening my misbehaving freshmen.

Enema bag: I am sorry, but I draw the line here. I am not doing a home enema. Whatever it costs to have it done professionally, I’ll pay it. The enema bag pictured on the website is pink. As if that can distract you from the fact that you are going to stick this up your…

Skin brush: Every morning of the juice feast I am to brush my skin for five minutes to support my “organs of elimination.” Fun! Skin brushing removes the top layer of skin, letting the cleaner and newer layer come to the surface. It is like a waterless bath. My hair dresser told me that when you brush your hair, you stimulate hair growth. I am not going to end up like a gorilla, am I? Here is what would be awesome: I take my skin brush with me to a park and sit on a bench while brushing my skin, all the while muttering something like “brushing the skin demons out, brushing the skin demons out…”

Shower filter: A shower filter is to combat the evils of chlorine. Chlorine is responsible for myriad health and beauty ailments including anemia, which I happen to have. When you use a filter, your hair and skin becomes softer and smoother. Your skin is less dry and itchy. You gain the ability to read people’s minds.

Cleaver: For obvious reasons (straight up gangsta, bitch!) I am the most excited for this purchase. I don’t even care what it is for, I am just happy to have a legitimate excuse to own a cleaver. Incidentally, it is for opening young coconuts. My only concern is that my family will think I got a little too absorbed in my Dexter script. They might think I playing out serial killer fantasies…on not just coconuts…young coconuts.

Bamboo cutting board: For slicing and dicing my fruits and veggies. Bamboo is a renewable resource, as strong as steel, and is sanitary because it absorbs very little. My question: why not bamboo juice?

Mason jars: These are to store the juice I make in the morning to take to work. I was sort of hoping that I could use something a little more conspicuous than a see-through glass jar, since I have to put this in the staff refrigerator. At least I don’t have to worry about anyone stealing my lunch.

Aloe vera jelly: Fresh aloe leaves can be used in lotion or juices, and have healing powers. One suggested use for the jelly is as a face mask at night. It is comparable to getting a face lift. I am going to try to find colored aloe vera jelly, maybe purple or blue. That way, when my mother tries to wake me up early on a Saturday morning, I can scare the s#$% out of her. Yay for multitasking!

Coconut oil: A skin moisturizer and lip balm. I can smell like a tropical beach! It is also to be used to heal cuts and scrapes, and as an ingredient in juices.

Dr Bronner’s soap: 100% organic, 100% recycled packaging, no chemicals. I’m down. The website author says that even though you smell sweeter and sweeter the longer you cleanse, we still like a little soap every once in a while. Damn hippies. I am not giving up soap. I will buy your crazy organic soap endorsed by an MD. But I am not giving up soap. I am drawing another line here.

And finally…Lots of fruits and veggies!

Top Ten Reasons to Start Juicing

10. It is healthy, so you won’t feel so guilty that you got hammered Friday night.

9. It is a conversation started with that hottie who works at Whole Foods.

8. You have an excuse not to eat Grandma’s casserole.

7. When you put carrots through the juicer you can pretend like it is your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

6. If it becomes a fad, you will be considered a trend setter.

5. You can chase your nieces and nephews around the house with a glass of green juice, screaming, “I’m gonna slime you!”

4. The word “juice” is fun to say.

3. You can annoy your roommates with all your blending and juicing, and then criticize them for being such primitive carnivores.

2. You can use a crazy straw for all your meals.

And the #1 reason you should start juicing…

1. What else are you going to do with all your free time?

To Juice, or Not to Juice...

This is my question.

Juice Feasting is a 92-day process during which the juice feaster consumes only fresh veggie and fruit juice, with some bee pollen and other supplements. You can drink all the juice you want, which is great news because I don't know about you, but I can never get enough celery juice. Yumm...The purpose of a juice feast is to clear out your system and restore your health.

Testimonials heralding the success of juice feasting mention a loss of interest in cooked and processed foods upon breaking the feast. Never crave a cinnamon roll again! You will be so thrilled with your energy and wellness, and your body will crave the purity of bee pollen and Spinach-Apple-Celery juice, that you will wonder why anyone eats chicken nuggets and spare ribs!

What sort of cultish brainwashing is a juice feast capable of? Who knew produce were such proselytizers. I am sure that Amish people don’t miss electricity, Republicans don’t miss their souls, and if you have never watched Dexter than you certainly don’t get excited about new episodes…but is this necessarily a good thing?

I mean, what good is perfect health, the Fountain of Youth, if you find no joy in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s?

Juan Ponce de León went in search of the Fountain of Youth. Some say he was looking for a cure for sexual impotence, which may be one and the same, but that is for another post…Although he never found the fountain, he did discover Florida. He thus began a trend in the United States where old people migrate to Florida to search for the Fountain of Youth. It is kind of like the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca, only instead of the ritual Stoning of the Devil and shaving your head, you play bridge and wear Hawaiian Shirts.

I do believe that the real Fountain of Youth is healthful eating. Or in the case of juice, drinking. Making the necessary changes, however, is not as easy as one might assume. Armed with the awareness that I can increase my energy and focus, avoid illness, and remove toxins from my body, you would think that I could swear off frozen yogurt and bacon, and simply ride off into the sunset with a Green Smoothie. But all I can think about is how I will miss food at social gatherings, how I will survive on only liquids for 92 days, and how I will go on a date with anyone without looking crazy. Come on, I like to hide my insanity until at least the 5th date.

More than any of my fears about the actual juice feast, my biggest fear about this whole process is that I will lose interest in some of the foods I once loved. How terrible would it be to never want an Inn n Out burger again? Or a piece of Grammaw’s ollalieberry pie? To miss out on these pleasures of life seems like a steep price to pay for the fountain of youth. Then again, at least I won’t have to sell my soul.